Two years. It's been two years since you walked out the door. Last year on this day I didn't think about it. This year it's hitting me harder. I miss you. I love you, still. But that love has changed. It's not romatic love; it's the love for a friend. You are still special to me, always will be. But that's the way it is. Just that, nothing more. Just a simple, uncomplicated love. Sometimes I smile when I think about the good times we shared, not often, but sometimes. And there were many. Thank you for the time that you gave your heart to me.
Last night I was depressed, simply that. No reason, except for today at 8:45p.m. cst it will be exactly two years since you gave up on me, us. I've never known you to give up on anything, before that day. But love can change, life can change, hearts can change. And with change comes new things. That's where my friends kicked in last night, called me to go hang out. One of them an ex-girlfriend and now awesome friend, that I also loved; the other just a great friend. Maybe it was God sending me relief from self pitty and despair. Either way, they were a part of that change, that different life I now lead. I don't regret this experience, just some decisions way back when... . I'm glad for this experience. It reminds me that God hasn't finished with me yet, hasn't given up on making me someone special. And just maybe someone special enough for someone else, again someday.
That's for someday later on down the road. Now is when I remember your smile, your eyes, your hair-that familiar smell, those "legs," the laughter and sound of your voice-barely, your warmth. But then I think about the hurt, the pain in your words, the coldness that crept in took over your heart, and now mine. The depression is gone, except these two days in August. The first time in a while I've spent this much effort thinking about life then and now. Despite the hurt between us, I still can't hold it to you. I was wrong many times, and so were you. Yes, I think more than you will admit. But that doesn't matter. That's your opinion, as this is mine. I forgive you.
Yes, I forgive you of all the hurt, pain, words, actions, feelings you expressed, just as much or more as I hope you can forgive me for what I did. One thing I've learned is that I have to be open. You can't make good music without expression. You live life pouring yourself out a lot to some and a little to others. To those close to you, a lot is required. I try to do that with my friends, family, and any significant other that may come my way. Why? Because I will never expect the same back unless I give it first. That's my rule now.
You will probably never read this. I expect that. But it's not just for you. It's for me, for friends, family, God, and whoever wants to see my mind and heart. I love you, friend, as I said I always would; that will never change. No matter what you do or say, it won't change as I pledged to you. It just has a different face. I hope the best for you today in all you experience and do. I am proud of what you have accomplished, not necessarily who you are, but what you have achieved. God will always be there for you, everywhere, everyday, always! I will be here for a time, ready to listen, talk, whatever, should you choose; but not expecting.
This song continually comes into my mind when I think about you:
We were younger then, you and me, full of dreams weren't we?
I went my way, you went yours, where did you go dear?
Someone said you had left the life we lived together then
This is my way of reaching out 'cause I remember...
This is what I want to say to you
If I had one chance to speak to your heart
You are loved
More than you could ever know
This is what I want to say to you
If I had one chance to tell you something
You are loved
More than you can imagine
Imagine
If I told you would you believe, the narrow road, I did not leave?
If I told you would you understand that I've found truth?
Are you jaded? Are you hurting now? How I wish that I could tell
Where your heart's at... can you se? Mine has found - home
This is what I want to say to you
If I had one chance to speak to your heart
You are loved
More than you could ever know
This is what I want to say to you
If I had one chance to tell you something
You are loved
More than you can imagine
Imagine
Not sure if I've made it clear enough
It's not my love I sing about
Everybody asks, "Is God good?"
I believe, He is
In fact I know, He is
This is what I want to say to you
If I had one chance to speak to your heart
You are loved
More than you could ever know
This is what I want to say to you
If I had one chance to tell you something
You are loved
More than you can imagine
Imagine.
You Are Loved-Rebecca St. James
Today is important, because tomorrow is the leftovers from today. What will you have left over?
Love, always, In Christ!!! DPS
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